II.

Diana Claus sat on her front porch and looked out at the North Pole, her village of Christmas Spirit, her kingdom of holiday cheer, her dominion of toys and joy.

“Son of a bitch,” she said.

She knew that it was her husband’s job to be out all night delivering toys but she couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d use the opportunity to screw around behind her back. Despite his tight schedule, Diana knew he’d find a way to squeeze in a blowjob or a quick fuck somewhere, probably Amsterdam or Newark. He’d probably hire some slut to dress up like that one-eyed woman from that movie he liked so much, the one where the bad-ass chick gets revenge. The eye patch really made Santa’s dick hard but Diana refused to wear one. It was just plain weird. But that probably meant some other bitch was wearing one for him.

Well, fuck it.

She had it. She was sick of being humiliated. Sure, he’d promised he’d never cheat on her again but could she believe him? He was a man, after all. Diana was considerably younger than he was, still had her figure, and had not a wrinkle on her face. Yet he still found the need to order himself a chubby Russian girl!

The rage and resentment had been building inside her ever since “the incident” and it had boiled over into a plan.

It was a plan that involved sacrificing her lifestyle or at least temporarily altering it. That is, if they could be settled. The plan would have to be executed with meticulous skill, but Diana didn’t feel like she had the patience to do it herself.

That’s why she called them.

The Elves of Fuck.

Contrary to popular belief, Christmas elves weren’t the only kind of elves around. In fact, they were a small minority among the elf race. There were dozens of varieties of elves and Mrs. Claus counted on the rumors being true, that the Elves of Fuck were the ones to call when you needed something done about an unfaithful spouse.

Apparently they also had their tiny hands in the pornography business, producing fetish films for customers who found midgets to be a bit too disproportionate. Diana had actually found out about them after viewing one of their films, Spit Shine My Face #4, which consisted of five elf women spitting on and slapping a regular-sized man. It hadn’t been her cup of tea but she was thankful that it introduced her to the Elves of Fuck.

So there she was, sitting on her front porch on Christmas Eve, waiting for her elf contact to come along and give her an update. A part of her hoped that her fears would be unfounded and Santa would not be sniffing around strange snatch. Maybe then they could repair their marriage and she could go back to trusting him wholeheartedly like she had done in the beginning.

From behind her, a voice said, “Diana?”

She turned and saw that it was Smitty, her squidfoot. Smitty had been found roaming the North Pole ten years prior. At first, Diana was terrified of him. After all, he was seven-feet tall and hairy, looking like a cross between a sasquatch and a squid. After spending some time with him, however, Diana learned that he wasn’t the monstrous beast she had expected. In fact, Smitty was quite gentle and cultured.

“Hey there!” she said.

Smitty said, “So you’re really going through with it, Diana?”

“Yeah. Why? You don’t think I should?”

“I’m just saying, you open up this can of worms and who knows what kind of repercussions will come squirming out. Those elves mean business, you know.”

“I know. That’s why I hired them.”

“Did you speak to them already?”

“Yeah. Someone should be here any minute. I told them not to do anything until I say so.”

Smitty put a tentacle on Diana’s shoulder. “And what if they tell you he’s messing around with someone else?” “Then I tell them to kill the son of a bitch.”

Smitty sighed. “Spoken like a true wife.”

“Hey, I’ve given him more than enough opportunities to show me that he truly wants to be faithful and if he’s not messing around, he has nothing to worry about. If he is, then he deserves it.”

“But what about all the kids? What about Christmas?” “Oh, fuck Christmas. If no one is able to take over the job, then all those whiny brats don’t get their stupid little toys.”

Before Smitty could respond, a flash of light appeared in front of them. The flash morphed into a cloud of purple smoke and out of that smoke walked an elf. A naked elf.